Grade II.
I've been going in circles for a little while on this one. I knew I hadn't reached the End Phenomenon because I was still looking over my shoulder. Wondering what would happen TO ME next. I had been traumatized by something that already had happened. It had taken me by surprise and I was hurt. I knew I wasn't safe.
Seems to me that you're not doing really well when you feel this way. I was positive though and kept on having positive wins about life.... still, I wasn't getting it.
And finally, it hit home. I wasn't my life or its circumstances. Hold on, let me say it again: I am not my life and its circumstances. It's hard to get your wits around a concept like that unless many useless hours of processing go by; you start to eliminate events, circumstances, and all sorts of things you can't control anyway; and then you have what's left: YOU.
(YOU) are going to be who (it) needs to be according to events and times. You're going to make good and bad choices. You can focus hard on pain, despair, grief, happiness, or luck even; but at the end of the day; it all keeps you away from just knowing. And you can let life get to ya. You can jump or stoop low. You can win and you can lose; it's really not as serious as you think it is.
So as for me, I'm just going to continue playing around in the mud, change things or leave them be. But I don't think I'll be worrying much these days; cause this thing we call life or a game; well it's just another event on my time track. I feel very light about this. I don't need to prove anything to anyone anymore, not even to myself.
The best way I can describe my win is this: I'm the head of a long screw. The more time passes; the screw turns and fastens itself to a gigantic wooden structure let's say. I feel that I have unfastened myself from this wooden structure, maybe not entirely. But enough to KNOW that I am something different than my situation; that I am an entity apart and free.
And if you don't quite get what I'm saying, just sit beside yourself some day, and take a look!
∆,
C.P.
